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Never again

Sit back, relax and enjoy a brief review of one restaurant I will probably never eat in again.

Josh and I were on our way to the West Midlands Vegan Festival when hunger struck. A bit of vegan keyword searching, followed by a touch of Google mapping, and we were standing inside a vegetarian restaurant located in the town of West Bromwich. The name of the establishment? Jalapeños.

We were overwhelmed by a huge menu board showing all manner of treats. Burgers, fries, nuggets, hot dogs and pizzas were all listed. Like any sensible vegan, I try to ascertain the plant-based options before I get too excited by a large number of items that might not be right for me. I assumed most things on the Jalapeños menu would be at least vegan adaptable as it is a vegetarian restaurant. But the staff didn’t know.

Neither the server nor the chef could enlighten me as to which items on their extensive menu were suitable or adaptable for a vegan diet. When pressed, they informed me they could only guarantee pizzas as vegan because they used Redwood products and the bases were vegan. When I asked about burgers and nuggets, the answer was the same. They weren’t sure.

Josh and I ordered pizzas and waited. When the first pizza showed up at our table, it didn’t look promising and I honestly don’t know how to describe how bad it was.

Pizza number one

Pizza number two

The dough wasn’t cooked all the way through so every bite was soggy, mushy and rather vile. Actually, I’m not going to put myself through the memory. Both pizzas were bordering on inedible and we disposed of them after offering them to friends who turned them down in disgust later in the evening.

Uncooked cross-section

The one positive that did come from the experience was the sighting of a new vegan mayo. With my favourite brand of vegan mayo disappearing recently, it is good to see another contender on the market. But of course I’m being a vile FGV in this review so it stands to reason that the product was a bit lacklustre. I couldn’t find any reference to this mayo online.

A new vegan mayo

So if you want to eat a rather awful vegan pizza in a small West Midlands town, Jalapeños is the spot for you.

I would direct you to their website, but the link is broken. Suits me just fine as I would rather forget all about it.

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Written by fatgayvegan

  1. I’ve certainly been in that situation. You go against your gut and order anyway and it is just gross. What kind of chef doesn’t know what is in the food he is making? Sounds like they microwave. 🙂 Next time you’ll find something outstanding!

  2. The London VF crew stopped en route home at Village Pizza. Got one of every vegan pizza on the menu 😉

  3. “Both pizzas were bordering on inedible and we disposed of them after offering them to friends who turned them down in disgust later in the evening.”

    What kind of friend are you if you offer them food that you refuse to eat because it’s not fit for consumption?

    Not much better than the people who sold you the pizza, really, are you?

  4. Those pizzas look waaaaaaaaaaayy cluttered. I’ve been to a couple of vegetarian establishments that seem utterly clueless when it comes to catering to vegans or be able to readily adapt dishes. Would you actively point these guys in the direction of your blog so that they might take a few pointers from it? I always think it’s best when these places can learn something from a well-penned review.

    I’m going to hi-jack this post to say that no vegan pizza has thus far beaten my particular home-cooked favourite which is dead simple:

    Pizza base of choice (cook from frozen)
    A really good passata (the new Waitrose soffritto passata looks good)
    Vegusto NM Melty sliced into rounds
    Large flat portabella mushrooms, thinly sliced
    Fresh basil and oregano roughly chopped
    Ground black pepper

    Grill the sliced mushrooms briefly on a low heat before adding to the pizza, space the vegusto slices so when melted they will touch each other. Arrange everything else to personal preference.

    Sorry, I’ll go get my own blog now 🙂

    • You are welcome to do a guest post on here to test the waters!

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