Vegan milk, eggs and honey?

In what is being hailed as a monumental advancement for vegans struggling to get protein, calcium and clothing, an Australian ‘animal whisperer’ has vowed to get permission from individual creatures before people farm them for by-products.

Animal psychic and compassionate livestock producer Noelene Boomer is making waves in both food manufacturer and animal welfare circles by claiming to be able to ask animals directly if they want to give their milk, honey and eggs to hungry humans.

Noelene has been communicating with animals on her family farm in central Queensland since she was a child where she discovered her mysterious skills the day a Merino sheep sent her a telepathic message that it didn’t want it’s wool anymore.

Noelene says, “I had always questioned if being sheared or milked is what our animals really wanted but now I can relax knowing that only the individuals who tell me they want to offer themselves are used for farming.”

Vegan activists worldwide are reacting to the news with cautious optimism.

Sean O’Callaghan of Fat Gay Vegan announced, “Finally what all plant eaters have been waiting for! An easy way to get protein and calcium without the hassle of a vegan diet. It really puts my mind at ease to know the animals can say they are OK with being farmed. It makes my life a lot easier. Noelene is a hero and a true champion for animal rights.”

In addition to her dairy and clothing consent work, Noelene plans to travel to some of the largest slaughterhouses on the planet as part of a year long campaign to remove animals that express no desire to be killed for food.

Meat for Life spokesperson Bill Flounders says, “Noelene is exactly what our industry needed. She is able to give us the stamp of approval and allow us to sell only the finest humane meat to our customers. All of our animals now give their full consent to being part of the industrialised food chain.”

Written by fatgayvegan


    Good one though.

  2. did you mean “psychic”?

    • Probably, but it doesn’t matter since the entire article is a deliberate joke.

  3. So, so brilliant, Sean! Thank you! 🙂

  4. I nearly believed it! LOL
    Good one! entered my pantheon of vegan jokes along the ethical mothers’ milk dairy in china.

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